Moan is money

Name: Christian Gel.

Occupation: Complaigent

Hi, I'm Christian. Please, sit down. Can i get you anything? Tea, coffee, water? I've got still or sparkling, I find sparkling much more refreshing, and you can always add a lime for a bit of flavour. I hope this office isn't too hot for you. I spend half the year in Marbella so I have the rads on morning noon and night to keep me acclimatised. Is your recorder switched on there, 'cause I'm ready... to... roll.

What in the hell is a complaigent ?  Complaint Agent sounds too long, so i banged the two words together to make it more dynamic.  Believe you me, complaigent will eventually be  as common a job title as fireman, icecream man, auxiliary trapeze artist.

Now what I do here is I throw myself right into the middle of potential disputes between friendly parties and ensure that cordiality is maintained.

Say you have family X and family Y living side by side. It's the middle of Autumn and family X's majestic oak tree is shedding leaves by the bucketload. The Xs make no attempt to clean them up, and as a result, they become scattered over family Y's garden, to such an extent that young Master Y loses two frisbees and a porn magazine robbed from his dad under them. family X and family Y have had a great relationship over the years. Mrs. X was a great help to Mrs. Y when she had problems with her sinuses. The Ys don't want to damage this over some fallen detritus on their garden now, do they? Of course not.  So the Ys come to me, and I act as a medium for their views and feelings.  I'll sit down with the Ys and come up with a plan of action to suit them. This can range from a letter written by a fictional local resident, right up to a full blown smear campaign on all forms of social media.

I've gone to houses in the dead of night to slip notes in through the letterbox. "You would benefit from improved dental hygiene Maureen" was one, another memorable one was "While it's good to maintain a comprehensive exercise regime, you're packing too much muscle and my kids are having nightmares because they think you are The Terminator."

I thank Christian for his time, my first chance to speak since the interview started.